"Shintaro?"
Hokuto’s calming voice was always like a siren's song. He kept Shintaro on high alert, and no matter what he was doing at the time, Shintaro always came to Hokuto's place.
"Jesse gave this to me. What do I have to give him in return?"
All the tranquility he had sometimes sparked pain. Shintaro knew that Hokuto had no ill intentions with his words. But hearing him speak about anyone else made him despondent.
"I don't think he needs anything from you," Shintaro could simply respond to Hokuto's question with the safest yet nonchalant response.
"I have to repay his kindness or it won't be balanced,"
"It’s not accounting. Trust me! Seeing you so happy with what he gave you is good enough for him,"
Shintaro could just laugh bitterly. If that was for him, he would probably be kneeling with happy tears, delightedly partaking since it was sincerely for Hokuto.
But no.
That won’t happen.
No matter how hard he tried, Hokuto would not turn his face towards him.
All because Hokuto was head over heels for Jesse. And as Shintaro and Jesse are good pals, he couldn’t step ahead to interfere with their relationships, not either their friendship.
This unspokenly unrequited love was always there. Shintaro could only hope that his feelings would vanish in an instant. Leaving nothing as he could feel a good breeze inside his chest.
But the more he took a look at Hokuto, the more he felt how deep his feelings towards him were.
"How about this? I heard that Jesse really loves perfumes. Does this go with him?"
The gravity that made Hokuto’s hair run down showed how his hair was really good. As Shintaro drew nearer to him as a consequence of smelling the perfume, the gentle scent of Hokuto pleased his sense of smell. Shintaro was knocked down by a feather as Hokuto narrowed the gap, but he chuckled afterward when Hokuto tilted his head in question.
If I dare to tell him my feelings…
" How’s it going with Jesse? "
" Nothing particular. That is, as you can see. Everyone likes him. I used to see him here and there, with people calling his name, and his laugh seems to be all over. "
" Yeah. I’m glad we’re seeing the same view. Please be kind to him, "
How foolish I am…
Shintaro reflected on the memories he had received from Hokuto. All the things that had happened between them were just a mere wedge in an empty space. Nothing about them stood out, and none of them could be presented as true stories.
He believed that he was the one who had found Hokuto earlier than Jesse. He saw how Hokuto was his own person, knew the ropes, and was on target. He witnessed how Hokuto sometimes pulled himself out of the crowd and took a deep breath while putting on such a difficult face. He saw how Hokuto squeezed his own hands to stay stronger as everybody wanted to get him down. Hokuto is the strongest person he's ever known.
It’s not like Shintaro was pleased with what he saw. But he thought that he wasn’t the right person to come. He’s not even in some flock, and he doesn’t even know how he could make his way either.
" I asked my uncle to be paired with Hokuto one more time, "
Jesse’s words convinced Shintaro to not get any further in his line. As he knew that Jesse was also in a really rough patch, Shintaro always wanted to do something to cheer Jesse up. He knew how hard it was to be Jesse. Even though he's not the successor, it’s hard to bear the responsibilities as the face of the company.
" My uncle said I have to learn from Hokuto, "
Shintaro be the opinion that Hokuto caught Jesse’s eye. Whatever the reason Jesse gave to Shintaro, he believed that it was just an excuse to not be too exposed.
It’s all good for Shintaro.
As long as the two of them are happy, their happiness would be his happiness.
That’s what he thought.
" Hokuto, long time no see! "
" Uh,—yeah, "
Hokuto’s awkward response was a little bit ticklish as Shintaro knew how shy he was. Hokuto wasn’t the type of person who could get along with people that quickly. He was pleased by how Hokuto was not too open and cutely moved his body.
He thought that it was only for him, but Shintaro was left far behind as he saw Hokuto interacting with Jesse.
"Hokuto, you should try this! I bet you like it,"
Of course, I couldn’t win against him…
Now and again, Shintaro felt defeated. Hokuto seemed to give himself to Jesse whatever that mixed-race guy did. The man wouldn’t even bother himself if Jesse fed him like a baby. Shintaro knew that Jesse was hard to resist since that half-white man’s heart was the purest he ever knew. While grappling with a rough patch, Jesse always did the best he could do, so he has no regrets in his life.
Shintaro respected him for that and tried to be like one, but they are different in many kinds of aspects.
" I have paired with Hokuto again ,"
Hopes became scattered as Jesse told him he was paired with Hokuto one more time. This time, perhaps for good, because he requested himself to his wealthy uncle, the company's director. He lost his one friend who cares about him a lot, and that friend got Shintaro’s apple of the eye.
The burning feeling inside Shintaro’s chest made him want to loosen his tie and scream. But he knows it's pointless to scream for something that has never truly been his.
" I wanna go to Yakiniku with Hokuto after this. You wanna come? "
Every time Shintaro makes up his mind, hope floats. Chances come and go, but he knew there was no way he could make it, no matter how hard he tried. However, instead of zero, Shintaro would always give any matter involving Hokuto a yes to collect another piece of memory he had with Hokuto.
" It’s already 8 pm and you still have your smile on your face. I mean, look at me! "
Still amazing…
" Still cute like a princess ,"
Jesse could just run everything Shintaro thought of out of his mouth. It is always that simple as Shintaro mostly regrets why he couldn’t say that quickly.
Shintaro was noticing how much Jesse and he resembled each other. They discovered many similarities, but they present them in different ways. If only Shintaro could be as expressive as Jesse, Shintaro’s life might be different right now.
He really has very beautiful eyes…
Shintaro was longing to see Hokuto’s face all day long. He had the face of a sculpture. Above all, Shintaro was always drowning in Hokuto’s eyes. The way he stared at the world seemed so tranquil, strong, and lonely, it really fixated him. He was fantasizing about being the light of his life, and the light of his sight, but before he could bring it to fruition, Jesse nailed it.
Hokuto’s eyes were beautiful. His gaze was warming, especially when he took a deep look at Jesse.
"This is my route. I guess I’ll see you guys tomorrow?"
"Bye now…,"
Shintaro could just wave his hand cheerfully. He has to stay stronger and be the bright, childish boy that Jesse and Hokuto used to know. He could see Hokuto and Jesse turning their backs to their route, walking towards the station. For a moment, Shintaro stopped and stared at them. Hokuto seemed to laugh so warmly at Jesse, and Jesse did the same, with his trademark laugh, reaching out his hand to Hokuto’s shoulder and embracing him warmly.
Shintaro imagined what it would be like to put his arm around Hokuto's shoulder and joke beside him. He was certain it must be a very happy experience.
Endless screams are echoing inside. Shintaro called Hokuto’s name over and over again, wishing Hokuto would turn his head as he felt a premonition of someone calling him out. Even so, he only got zero.
Until the end of the road, Hokuto still didn’t turn his head, as if he had given Shintaro a clear answer to give up.
The overwhelming shock renders Shintaro unable to move. For a few moments, he could only silently organize his thoughts. Trying to calm down and not continue to be trapped by his sadness.
The spring night at the end of April should've been warmer, but this night feels cold instead. Together with the loss of energy, his feelings were sucked dry.
I should’ve told you earlier…
I should’ve told him earlier…
Shintaro has lost count of the number of times he has regretted his rash decision. He was too scared to lose his friend, but he ended up losing everything. When he found out Hokuto had opened his heart to Jesse, a blazing fire burned his chest. Even so, he felt it was too late.
Shintaro arrived at a conclusion to support their relationship. He knew that this decision felt rushed. He also knew that in the end, he would burn himself in grief and jealousy. But he didn't want to lose them more than this. Even though the chances are few and there is no way for him to get into their circle of warmth, Shintaro wants to always be there for them both.
Gathering the small pieces of their togetherness, even though it didn't mean anything.
"You know what? I really envy you, Shintaro,"
Hokuto's sudden words surprised Shintaro. He never thought that Hokuto would say that to him. He never thought that Hokuto had been watching him all along. He felt stupid for not realizing it sooner. If only he had realized it sooner, and Hokuto had said it earlier, maybe things would have changed.
"You always looked so free, and cheerful, and no one can hold you back. I always look at you from afar, but I don’t know how to talk to you. I don’t even know if I deserve to talk to you,"
Even so, Shintaro quickly notices a different glint in Hokuto's eyes. The gaze he gave to Shintaro was not the gaze of someone who had fallen in love or regretted something he had been harboring for so long.
That gaze is a gaze of sadness. A sadness that he knew where it came from.
"Why did you say that? You don’t have to make a judgment of yourself just because you want to talk to someone,"
"...... We really lived in a different world, huh?" Hokuto laughed meaningfully.
"What is that supposed to mean?" Shintaro replied, laughing awkwardly towards Hokuto’s claim, but Hokuto ignored him as it wasn’t necessary to be answered.
Shintaro paid attention to every detail of Hokuto's face. Every detail of his face, which often changes in contrast, gives him some clues that Hokuto is not feeling well. The time he got today for going for a meal with Hokuto was not because Hokuto wanted to spend time with him, but to run away from the reality that made him feel sad.
Every time he said Jesse's name, Hokuto's facial muscles twitched. His lips drew slightly, but his face became sour. At that time, he knew that Hokuto had a problem with Jesse. Moreover, Hokuto tends to lower himself for every question thrown at him. He knew Hokuto was a modest man, but he believed that every response he gave was a reflection of how he felt.
"So? What happened between you and Jesse?"
"He lied to me,"
Hokuto’s answer puzzled him. Jesse is not really good at lying. He might be good at hiding something, but he always had a good reason. There’s no possibility Jesse would lie to Hokuto, especially if he is the apple of his eye. Jesse wouldn’t do such a thing to hurt him like that.
"He knew I have no friends to get along with while he’s a social butterfly. And I'm supposed to know that we’re living in a different world. How foolish I am to accept his kindness and think that I deserve that while I know I’m not an exception. In the end, everybody was just using me without accepting me for who I am,"
As expected, Jesse had a very good reason to hide something, especially from Hokuto.
".......Remember when I tell you please be nice to him ?"
Despite his feelings or how broken he was, he stood up for his friend, even though that friend was the one who broke him and stole his happiness.
"Trust me, he has reason not to tell you that,"
Shintaro can’t be selfish, even though he wanted it. Jesse’s presence is second to none for him. After a lot of thought, Shintaro may let Hokuto go with him, but he can’t let Jesse go away from him.
Their friendship was already too deep, that Shintaro didn’t mind giving him his own happiness.
As long as both of them are happy, he would also be happy.
And as soon as this problem was solved, Hokuto would go back to Jesse's place. Turning around his head completely and not giving him even a little space to come in.
But before it happens, for once in forever, Shintaro wanted to please himself by making Hokuto know how he feels, even though he already knew the answer.
"Hokuto, can I tell you something?"
"Hm?"
"I love you," Shintaro encouraged himself to say to Hokuto.".... both of you ,"
It's okay. Even though I can't hold your hand, I told you my feelings...
My feelings towards both of you...
That you both have me to rely on...
A shoulder to cry on...
A helping hand...
Or maybe you'll need someone's warmth someday...
"That's why, you should get along with him," Shintaro said, patting Hokuto on the back. "He's waiting for you,"
Like I was waiting for you too...
~~~
~~~
~~~ It's Been Always You (END)